To the boy who loved me: our conclusion.

To the boy who loved me;

I love you no matter what as cheesy as that sounds.

And now I know you love me too.

But in your words, not in the way I want.

Only few a days ago you received confirmation of how I felt about you. I swore you'd never see it, my post of undying love for you on the app you promised you deleted. Long story short, our imaginary forced love story is over.

But now we know we love each other. You told me at least 6 times that you loved me and I had never heard the phrase 'I love you' come from your lips before but here it came out like a stream. "I love you, I love you, I don't want to ever lose you, I will never give up on you, I care about you, and I appreciate you. I notice everything you do for me."

You are the sweetest man I have ever met.

And I'm not hurt.
You'd think I would be, being friendzoned and what not, but I'm not. I knew all along your feelings for me. I knew all along you didn't like me. I was right this whole time, but I just didn't believe myself. I think because I knew, it didn't come as a shock to me. My heart isn't tearing in pieces like it has with previous guys. I don't have that piercing pain that always haunts me after something like this. I want you to know I'm okay.

You'll never read this, of this I am sure. (mostly because no one reads this blog lol.)

If I seem hurt, I'm not. I'm bruised. You told me you talked to me about your feelings because everyone was making fun of me and you couldn't stand it. This person who you cared about was being publicly ridiculed and there was nothing you could do about it besides confront me. I admire you. You love me. Not in the way I imagined, but now I know I'll never be alone.

I want to apologize too for any embarrassment or ridicule you received because of me. I'm sorry I caused that to you.

I want you to know, I appreciate you. Thank you for not breaking my heart. And thank you for loving me in such a way I can't even comprehend it. I can't wrap my mind around this fact that you love me. Like I see no reason for it and I will never understand. I think you love me like Christ does. I understand God's unfailing, unconditional love because that's just how it is. But how could you love me like that? How could you have the same type of love.

So thank you for everything. I could write a book about everything you've ever done for me, but I know you hate that.

So in short, thank you for being you.

To the abandoner

To the abandoner,

I'm not mad at you.

Honestly, I thought I would be. I thought I'd be the one to confront you and tell you about everything I've ever done for you and make you feel terrible about yourself but I'm finding I really don't care. When I met you I remember making a clear decision in my head to be your friend. I told my friends that I was going to love on you with the love Christ had for you because I could tell you didn't really have any true friends. You didn't have anyone who loved you, so I decided to love you. And somehow I did it with no strings attached.

You abandoned me. I honestly have no idea why. I tend to think it was for a chance of freedom. You think I held you down but when in reality you did that yourself. You can blame me for your broken heart but your relationship issues are frankly between you and your boy, not me. Or you decided to test me, you wanted to see how much I cared, how far I was willing to follow you. My naive little self wants to think it was one of these reasons. But my gut tells me it wasn't. I don't want to assume the worst but another theory is you were bored of me. You didn't need me anymore. You set up a new life and who cares about that one girl. You never actually cared about me.

Several times I thought of not being your friend, or cutting it off. You're not a good influence. You talked crap behind my back which I'm learning more and more of. You stole my clothes and I'm pretty sure my money. You always made me pay but then would brag about how much money you had. You slept at my house once a week, not because of your abusive parents I'm thinking but because of your stubborn arrogance of not needing anyone unless it was convenient to get what you wanted.

I justified it all.

Not with the usual but she's my friend and I love her or she's not really that bad. No, I justified it with my faith because I thought you needed love. simply put. But me showing you love isn't going to teach you how to accept it. I haven't figured that part out yet, but I think that's something you have to find out for yourself. You can't show love if you don't know how to accept it. One day you will love someone but they will break your heart because you never knew how to show it to them and they'll leave.

You abandoning me honestly makes me think more about myself and less of you. Everyone said you did it for attention, and who knows maybe they're right. But it led to self obsession with Bethany Harrington instead of me thinking of you. The state of my heart became my top priority. You didn't hurt me because I knew it was going to happen. I knew in the back of my head you were going to be my friend 'til the end of the summer and then you'd be done with me. I knew from even when I first met you, you would use me. I knew...

But now I question myself how did I justify our friendship so much that I would become your friend?Looking back I don't think I was stupid. I don't regret any of it. Which is weird, you'd think I would.

As I write this, I think God protected my heart. I think He's making it not hurt so much.

Or maybe I used you to.

I'm not a great person. I make mistakes all the time. I'm trying though.

And I will admit I used you, too. I'd talk crap about you too. Not as bad as you apparently, but that's not the point. I felt like I had no friends so I'd hang out with you. I hated your work ethic and your character but you had friends and I had none at work and once I was friends with you at least they kinda liked me too to my face at least now. You encouraged me and swore you would always be there for me. I vented to you. I told you my deepest secrets. I told you how scared I was of being alone and your promised to stay by my side. I used you for your words. Those words comforted me, made me laugh, and made me live.

I will admit I am bitter.

When someone swears to always have your back and be there for you even when everyone else leaves decides to leave? That is a little off putting. I'm upset. Not mad or disappointed even. Just upset that I was right again. I know earlier I said it didn't hurt, but that's a lie. It hurt a little. That's true. The thing that is true though is that I am honestly surprised how quickly I got over you. Maybe that's just a representation of my heart again. Maybe it proves that I didn't love you like I promised myself I would; or it was just time to let go. I did all I could and if you chose to run it was your own choice. It is your choice to be friends with people. It's not a social obligation, it honestly is just your own choice, And if you didn't choose me then fine, so be it. I say that in its purest form, not bitterness or anything. The reasoning behind it all is the reason I'm hurt but there appears to be no reasoning so I shouldn't be upset right?

I think this 'letter' if you could call it that, is me processing. Or just me emptying my brain.

I strongly believe people are put in our lives to teach us something or to help us somehow. You encouraged me to be bolder but you also taught me how to cuss. You fiercely defended me (to my face) but also started ridiculous fires in me. You made me passionate; about the wrong things. You built my confidence up; and perverted my mind.

Ironic, that our favorite song was 'Because I knew you'.

I forgive you.

At least I think I do. If forgiveness gets rid of the burning passion in the right side of my chest then I'm halfway done forgiving you; cuz once I'm done I won't care anymore. Completely.

Some may see this as passive aggressive, and yeah. Yeah it is. But passive aggressiveness pissed you off, so why the hell not?

To my confidante

I love you more than you will ever know. And it's no fair that as soon as I figure out who really cares about me and who doesn't, one of them has to leave. I told you I'm not going to make a gushy post or letter because I'm not going to cry but I'm already crying so fuck it. You were the only one who was genuine ad true. You brought me soup and coloring books when I was sick. You brought me my favorite kind of ice cream when I had my wisdom teeth removed. You bought me fuzzy socks and chocolate for Christmas because you know that's what I like. You reassured me when I thought the world was crumbling. You've made me laugh and love life again. You've challenged me to be a better person. You've held me while I've cried. You've tried countless times to assure me I'm loved. You encourage me in whatever I want to do. You pray for me. You worry about me. You've listened to my hours and hours and HOURS of boy trouble and never complained. You let me beat you up and make fun of you. And when I couldn't control my tongue you were still my friend. You listened to my depressed heart. You cared. You love me.

And that's why I'm not fighting for you to stay because you've always wanted the best for me, so now it's my turn to want the best for you no matter how hard it is. I fucking love you.

I am so proud of you. And yes I want to insert as many "so's" as I can into that statement to emphasize the fact, but sometimes just saying it is enough. I didn't think I've seen you grow up but you honestly have. You are confident and secure. You do what is right and you are always seeking God's heart. You can talk to anyone with respect and dignity and love even if we both know your true opinions about them. You act like a man which is weird for me to say, but you truly are the definition of one. I love you.


So  Cheerio, my confidante; because everything else I have to say is just a jumble in my brain.



P.S. I'm screwed without you.

To the boy who loved me

To the boy who loved me:


This is a letter you will probably never read. Not because it's a secret, but because I'm afraid of losing you. And you hate mushy stuff. You are way too important to me for me to ever do anything and sassy to take me seriously. I trust you. I can literally talk to you about everything whether it be normal or completely idiotic. You might make fun of me but you still listen to me.

Long story short, I love you. I catch myself just sitting and thinking about you. Again I know you hate stuff like this, so you'll never know this exists. But I fucking love you. You make me laugh. You listen to me, and back when I told you about my dreams of going to Ireland you seemed in awe of me. I always wanted to be the person everyone admired and you made me feel like what I wanted was right. You let me call you in the middle of the night when I would have panic attacks or when I'd just be scared of everything around me, and I could hear your voice. Sometimes I'd lie to you and tell you I wasn't home yet just so you would keep talking and I could hear your voice. You always want the best for me, even when I don't. You're not afraid to tell me the way people treat me and the way I treat me is wrong. You care about my heart, and no one ever has before. You told me once it's not okay that I'm okay with being hurt. That that needs to stop. And that was one of the moments where I felt ashamed because I cared nothing about myself. I felt uncomfortable because I was raw. I told you something and you pinned exactly what to say to that crevice of my heart. You have such high standards for me and I'm terrified that I won't be able to uphold them for you. You want me to be a good person and you've never thought I couldn't be. Unfortunately whenever you text me I get this stupid feeling that makes me smile and cringe and it's all really stupid, I know. But you, you make me happier. I act out sometimes just to see if you'll say something. I'm sorry but you picked a stupid girl who craves your attention.

I'm terrified that you don't feel about me the same way I feel about you. When anything happens I want to talk to you. When I leave after seeing you, my heart hurts because I feel like I wasted the time. Like I didn't get to say everything when in reality I usually say more than I should. When you smile at me there are times I can see you are truly happy, and I pray it's because of me. I try to make you laugh; and the funny thing, ha ha, is you find me funny when I'm not even trying. My little blonde moments or 23 jokes or my hatred of pink crack you up and seeing you happy makes me smile. I try to be everything you are to me for you, but I feel like that's impossible because you do everything and I know I'm not capable.

To be honest, I've been fighting this for the longest time and still am. I never thought we'd be a thing. I still don't think we'll be a thing. Everyone for months, maybe years if you ever read this, but you won't; teased me about us. Apparently Drew called it as soon as you were hired. That's why he didn't like you, because he didn't like me. Katelyn just got annoying when she would tell everyone, literally everyone, and their mother we were a thing. And David on occasion, when he'd make comments or "aww" at us. I make up these excuses anytime somebody would suggest we were a thing, like I'm too tall or we'd kill each other or he's too arrogant. When really none of that matters. When it got to the heart of it all, I never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I mattered enough to be with you. You are the sweetest guy I know who likes to hide it under his dead pan humor and his complete apathy illusion. And since you're never going to read this, whenever you told me you'd 'throw me' whenever I teased you, it secretly turned me on.  You say you don't care. And yet I have this nagging suspicion that you care more than anyone in this world when it comes to important matters like your family. And I pray to God you care about me even half of that, because I know it would mean I'd be forever safe.

I have always been dead set that you hate me. David would tell me you loved me more than anything. I kept begging him for proof that you cared about me but he could come up with nothing. But I figured it out, you, you don't show love that way. Its the little things you do for me and try to make me notice. Like hanging out with me every night until 2am, which yes doesn't seem like such a little thing now that I say it but I'm not very observant, or randomly taking me to Starbucks, or planning a surprise party for me, or including me back in high school, or pushing me to do what's best for me. I think you've always cared about me; it may not be in the way I expected, but you have.

And I wish I returned it. I wish all this time as you've done stuff for me, I've done stuff for you. I only know how to show love two ways: physical touch and gifts. And you don't like either of those. There have been so many times where I have wished I could just... lay my head on your shoulder, or rub your back when you're stressed, or just kiss you when you tease me or argue with me. I buy you your venti hot soy chais and your iPod and duct tape because I love you. And I literally have no other tangible way to show you.

I suck at being a friend. I'm rude, and fake, and don't give a crap a lot of times; which is another reason I could see us never being a thing. You are my best friend; but if I suck at being your best friend how could I possibly be your girlfriend?

I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to go off and become a music teacher and go to Trinity bible college. I would miss you like hell, and I can guarantee I'd be jealous of any girl who posted about you on Facebook, but I want what's best for you.

I think the main reason I never want you to get this letter is because I've never cared about someone this much. And I know everyone says that, but in this situation, in this moment, I can say it and mean it. I've never thought this long and hard about someone before. Yea I've written guys creepy love letters before, but I've always the balls to give it to them. But in this case, hell no. You've always pushed me to be more aggressive, but I'm a coward. I always have been. I've tried to be brave. I've tried to justify things by saying I don't want to be stupid in my daringness, but justification is just a type of cowardice where you can't even face yourself. I love you. I genuinely do. I wish I could tell you, more than anything in this world. But this is one part of my heart you don't own yet. You tell me all the time you're not ready for a girlfriend, and I'm sorry everyone is pressuring you to date me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not patient or brave or strong or smart. I want to be for you, but I'm so fucked up I can't. I'm too much of a coward. I'm petrified of being alone that's why everyone is shoving you towards me. If I loved you, none of that would happen. You would be happy and you wouldn't know about me loving you, because you would be the focus. I'm still learning how to love selflessly, because so far all of this has been for me, and I don't want to be selfish. I want to show you love; because I am falling for you, hard. You have loved me even without realizing it.

And now that I've written all this, I can't even come up with a conclusion.