To the abandoner,
I'm not mad at you.
Honestly, I thought I would be. I thought I'd be the one to confront you and tell you about everything I've ever done for you and make you feel terrible about yourself but I'm finding I really don't care. When I met you I remember making a clear decision in my head to be your friend. I told my friends that I was going to love on you with the love Christ had for you because I could tell you didn't really have any true friends. You didn't have anyone who loved you, so I decided to love you. And somehow I did it with no strings attached.
You abandoned me. I honestly have no idea why. I tend to think it was for a chance of freedom. You think I held you down but when in reality you did that yourself. You can blame me for your broken heart but your relationship issues are frankly between you and your boy, not me. Or you decided to test me, you wanted to see how much I cared, how far I was willing to follow you. My naive little self wants to think it was one of these reasons. But my gut tells me it wasn't. I don't want to assume the worst but another theory is you were bored of me. You didn't need me anymore. You set up a new life and who cares about that one girl. You never actually cared about me.
Several times I thought of not being your friend, or cutting it off. You're not a good influence. You talked crap behind my back which I'm learning more and more of. You stole my clothes and I'm pretty sure my money. You always made me pay but then would brag about how much money you had. You slept at my house once a week, not because of your abusive parents I'm thinking but because of your stubborn arrogance of not needing anyone unless it was convenient to get what you wanted.
I justified it all.
Not with the usual but she's my friend and I love her or she's not really that bad. No, I justified it with my faith because I thought you needed love. simply put. But me showing you love isn't going to teach you how to accept it. I haven't figured that part out yet, but I think that's something you have to find out for yourself. You can't show love if you don't know how to accept it. One day you will love someone but they will break your heart because you never knew how to show it to them and they'll leave.
You abandoning me honestly makes me think more about myself and less of you. Everyone said you did it for attention, and who knows maybe they're right. But it led to self obsession with Bethany Harrington instead of me thinking of you. The state of my heart became my top priority. You didn't hurt me because I knew it was going to happen. I knew in the back of my head you were going to be my friend 'til the end of the summer and then you'd be done with me. I knew from even when I first met you, you would use me. I knew...
But now I question myself how did I justify our friendship so much that I would become your friend?Looking back I don't think I was stupid. I don't regret any of it. Which is weird, you'd think I would.
As I write this, I think God protected my heart. I think He's making it not hurt so much.
Or maybe I used you to.
I'm not a great person. I make mistakes all the time. I'm trying though.
And I will admit I used you, too. I'd talk crap about you too. Not as bad as you apparently, but that's not the point. I felt like I had no friends so I'd hang out with you. I hated your work ethic and your character but you had friends and I had none at work and once I was friends with you at least they kinda liked me too to my face at least now. You encouraged me and swore you would always be there for me. I vented to you. I told you my deepest secrets. I told you how scared I was of being alone and your promised to stay by my side. I used you for your words. Those words comforted me, made me laugh, and made me live.
I will admit I am bitter.
When someone swears to always have your back and be there for you even when everyone else leaves decides to leave? That is a little off putting. I'm upset. Not mad or disappointed even. Just upset that I was right again. I know earlier I said it didn't hurt, but that's a lie. It hurt a little. That's true. The thing that is true though is that I am honestly surprised how quickly I got over you. Maybe that's just a representation of my heart again. Maybe it proves that I didn't love you like I promised myself I would; or it was just time to let go. I did all I could and if you chose to run it was your own choice. It is your choice to be friends with people. It's not a social obligation, it honestly is just your own choice, And if you didn't choose me then fine, so be it. I say that in its purest form, not bitterness or anything. The reasoning behind it all is the reason I'm hurt but there appears to be no reasoning so I shouldn't be upset right?
I think this 'letter' if you could call it that, is me processing. Or just me emptying my brain.
I strongly believe people are put in our lives to teach us something or to help us somehow. You encouraged me to be bolder but you also taught me how to cuss. You fiercely defended me (to my face) but also started ridiculous fires in me. You made me passionate; about the wrong things. You built my confidence up; and perverted my mind.
Ironic, that our favorite song was 'Because I knew you'.
I forgive you.
At least I think I do. If forgiveness gets rid of the burning passion in the right side of my chest then I'm halfway done forgiving you; cuz once I'm done I won't care anymore. Completely.
Some may see this as passive aggressive, and yeah. Yeah it is. But passive aggressiveness pissed you off, so why the hell not?
