To my worst enemy

You tried to hurt me. You tried to break me. You tried to manipulate me. You hurt my friends. You ruined their careers. You tried to fight me.

Lesson 1: Do not fight me. I can burn you. I won't because Christ doesn't want me to, but believe me he is the only reason I'm not.

How could your self esteem be so low that as a grown woman you tear apart teenagers? You are the only representation of Christ those kids may ever know and you make them despise you?

You stole my ideas and took credit for them. You let people praise you in front of me for things you know I had contemplated for weeks trying to summon the courage to even suggest them, because every time you would steal them and steal my confidence with them.

I see you as despicable.

I know your life is hard. You had your dream job and had to quit for some reason, or they fired you which would explain the hurt in your heart. It takes me a long while before I truly loathe someone, so how quickly has everyone else turned to hatred towards you? You must need the most love if I hate you this much.

I forgive you.

To the girls who look up to me

Thank you.

You are the reason I try to be a better person. You are the reason I'm trying to stop cussing and why I gave up alcohol and smoking. You are the reason I get out of bed when it feels like the amount of sorrow on my chest crashed on me overnight like an avalanche.

You bring so much joy to my life. You remind me that pure innocent fun still exists. You remind me of the person I am while I encourage you in your lives.

You show me how to love in the fiercest and deepest forms.

The date.

Today I went on a date.

Now it wasn't just any regular date, this was a first date; my first date. 

I've never gone on a date before and never had a real boyfriend before; mostly because no one has ever asked me out before. For years I have tried to figure out why, but more on that later.

Okay it's later. Well I still don't know for sure why, and I probably won't ever. My suspicions, however, is that God simply didn't want me to.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying God is against dating, not at all. I'm simply saying in my case, He just didn't want me to. I tend to obsess over things and overthink them, as most of us ladies do. But over the past few months I've been growing up. I've been letting go of things and not worrying anymore. Before I was very passive aggressive but now I'm just passive, with aggressive tendencies ;) but seriously I've learned to let go of a lot of anger and just chill. If something happens, it just happens.

When I went on my date, I wasn't worried at all about if the guy liked me, which to be honest is a little weird. I was more worried about my appearance before hand. I think I convinced myself that if he didn't like me, that wasn't my fault and I think that's how our mindset should be in situations like that.

The biggest thing I learned from this date, was that God loved me. 

Okay I know what you're thinking, umm Bethany, I think you missed the point of a date there champ... 

But I don't think I did at all. The point of a godly relationship is to bring you closer to God, point blank. We can say dating has other purposes, but that's what it's supposed to be no matter how we try to kid ourselves. As I was getting ready and trying on different shoes, I felt special. I felt important. And I felt loved. God had blessed with an opportunity of a date, even when I did it against him out of self and longing for love. I think he allowed me to go to reassure me that he had the love I was looking for. I felt like a princess and I felt taken care of, by God not necessarily my date. 

The point of all this, is God really does want to lavish on you whether you follow his plan or not. I haven't been the best Christian over the past few months but now I'm trying again. I'm making a conscience effort to please my king, not out of an obligation for his love but to show him I love him, as a gift. 

To my employer

 

Umm yeah I'm quitting and I'm terrified. 

Long story short you asked me to commit to the store for months to come. You asked me to pledge my unwavering faith to you. To hold and respect and defend you until the end. I'm realizing that I can't do that.

Mostly because you would never do the same for me, you've already proved that.

If your management team thinks it's okay to slander my name to you and you believe them over me, you already don't trust me without me doing anything? You have a firm head on your shoulders that won't let anything into it. You wouldn't believe me even if I tried. 

You are very smart. You know how to run a business and run people apparently. I like to think the best of people so I never realized what you were doing. But you are manipulating me. You have manipulated my influence, my friends, my feelings and even my personality to get what you want. Using my rebellious personality to get me to help you is not okay. 

I never realized how influential I am. I asked your number two how important I am as an honest question which I received and honest opinion. I am a leader and leaders need to be careful of what they say, I only thought that was because of a leader isn't happy the team isn't happy. I never realized that you're actually terrified of me starting a revolution. 

I am the Katniss Everdeen of this place and I never even realized. If I quit it won't make people leave necessarily but it will plant the most dangerous thing, an idea. An idea of doubt and that's the cancer you were talking about; not my words like you thought but my actions. You are so reliant of me and as soon as I think about leaving I'm the unloyal one? If you need me so bad, don't tell me I can leave.