It's weird to say that. It's weird to say that you are my other half even though we are not together. But it's true. We are complete opposites which is what makes us click so well and yet clash so well, a beautiful chaos. You're a hidden victory fighter while I'm an exposed fighter against society. You believe it is braver to fight things on your own without help while I believe it is braver to fight your battles in front of others in front of their scrutiny. I have learned there is beauty and courage and flaws to both forms of courage.
You make me laugh; that is the biggest thing I've noticed. I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with you. I literally feel my smile growing across my face and I feel the warmth seeping through my core, and the burn of the vodka wasn't the cause this time. However you also care about me as much as you try to pretend you don't. You let me sleep on your couch and steal your hoodie which I am positive you know I took. Your voice changes when you're worried about me, which is something I'd never heard before. It's almost as if the words rolling off your tongue are replacing the tears that you're trying not to roll down your face.
You miss me and I know it. And I have no doubt in hell you know I miss you too. Then why the hell have we not done anything about it? When we sit across the table from each other we smile wider than I've ever seen.
I've grown up and that scares you. I'm no longer the innocent 17 year old girl you used to know. I understand more. My mind is less innocent and that leaves you shocked. I like tattoos. I cuss. I drink, a lot. I've smoked. I'm not as pretty as I once was. It all disturbs you because you never thought I would change, because you thought I was perfect. What if all this time you've been striving to become perfect to be like me while I've been breaking in the distance dealing with the pain you left me and trying to be less perfect so you would desire me once more. Ironic how while striving to match my perfection you broke mine and the standard is no longer so high because you shattered it.
I haven't done anything because I want you to be happy. And you don't look happy these days but you seem content and if that's what you want I won't change it. I am so extremely proud of you and I wish you knew that. You have a great job teaching kids, you're going to school to be an EMT, you have an extremely successful girlfriend with a masters degree, you have your own apartment, you've learned how to cook, and you have goals. You see a point to your life again and that's all I ever wanted for you. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be able to love and live again when the world had knocked the wind out of you. I wanted the wind to fill you up agin so you could fly again.
The memories I have haunt me all the time, and that was one thing you always hated. I remembered everything. I remembered the people from my past, those who've hurt me and abandon me. And maybe you're the cause, I don't know. But I don't remember anymore. I remember us. But anything before that I've blocked. It's frustrating. I didn't do it on purpose. I try and I try and I scrape my brain for memories people tell me about but they're no longer there. I remember reasons for things but never the causes. I can never explain to people why something is right, it's just that i know, or used to know I guess is the case. But yet every memory of you has replaced those memories as much as I wish they hadn't sometimes. I remember us stargazing through my Subaru sunroof because it was too cold to go outside. Or us having a snowball fight after school at PPCC and you laughing while you told me people were judging us. Or when you followed me around at the Skateathon and everyone were convinced we were a couple and we'd just laugh at everyone. I remember how excited you would get when you would find new photo op spots and you wanted nothing else but to tell me and for me to be just as excited as you. Or when I told you how embarrassed I was about my cheeks always being pink and you told me pink happens and you didn't care. Or when I drove donuts in that one church parking lot and you pulled the emergency brake just because you thought it'd be funny and I punched you for the next hour. Or after we stopped talking and I was at Sarah's house and you saw me all dressed up for girls night and I told you not to say anything because I thought you were judging me and you told me you thought I actually looked amazing which is why you didn't say anything.
I remember it all. The end was the worst. And yet it's still not over. We look at each other and want to be near each other because I think we both want to be happy again. But the universe is taunting us and has this thin film between us where we can see and hear each other but never be together again. I want to break through that film but only if you do too.
