Bars.

I have decided that a bar is one of the saddest places in the world.

I worked at Old Chicago. I remember when they had me on the day shift. I opened the restaurant. I would work 10-2 pm each day before heading to my evening job at Chick-fil-A. I remember there was a little old man, who came in three times a week, every time at 11:17 am. He wouldn't speak to anyone. He would nod in my direction and walk to his favorite bar stool, third from the end. He wore a tan coat with black lining. I remember watching him from across the bar. It didn't matter what was on TV, he'd sit there, watch it, and drink his bourbon in peace. There were never more than three people at that time and maybe that's why he chose to come in then. Maybe there was nothing wrong in his life, and he was just a creature of habit who liked the silence of a barren brewery. But I never remember seeing him smile.

This past New Year's my boyfriend and I went to a local bar before they kicked me out at 9 pm because of me not being quite 21 yet. This was the first time I had officially been at a 'bar' bar. My boyfriend says, Old Chicago didn't count.

When  I arrived to pick up my beau and his compadre, I saw a parking lot littered with the remains of the celebration. I saw exhaust rising from the cars as they heated up in the frigid new year. I saw one couple in particular that caught my eye. She was draped in a black sequin-y, glittery outfit way above her knees and way underneath her shoulders just like every other girl who had shopped for the perfect New Years outfit, we all do it. I saw a boy leaning over her, hanging onto her every word; winking, smiling, hovering, laughing. You know when you go to a restaurant and its so painfully obvious that someone is on a first date? Everything is awkward and tense and the girl sits there with her shoulders drooping forward out of utter and complete fear and the guy talks too much to make up for her laughing accidentally too loudly at his pathetic excuse for a knock knock joke? That's what these two looked like. And yet, he got in the car with her.

I don't judge anyone and never will.

I went back to this bar the other day for dinner with my boyfriend. It was a quiet Friday night, but that's only because it was 6 pm. The bar was about half way full and there was a Houston football game playing on the screen. I walked in and half smiled at the empty souls seated around me. There was a table of women in their late 20's sipping their fruity drinks showing each other stuff on their phones and laughing as loud as possible to capture any attention they could from the few prospective men in the place. At the next table there was man sitting next to a woman completely entranced in the football game or so I thought until I noticed it was simply a Trident commercial. She tried desperately to get his attention; putting her arm around him, tapping his shoulder, playing with his fingers, nothing. Across the taproom sprawled the bar. Every couple seats occupied. I saw a woman probably in her early 40's drinking alone. She kept leaning to either side of her attempting to make conversation with the people around her; hoping to know someone. Hoping to feel like she belonged. Lastly, a couple walked in. She looked worn and wiry, with a trampled heart. Her face looked like it waned with the weight of a thousand moonless nights pounding on her temple. The man next to her looked, about her age but not as tired. You know those people that you can just feel the life they have been through when they walk through the door? They have faced a world of misery and yet are still strong to all they see. He looked like that.

My boyfriend scolded me. He said it was rude to feel sorry for people. For once, someone had criticized my compassion instead of praised it. I told him it was merely compassion, that my heart broke for the lives they had lived. He told me I didn't know anything about their lives, and he was right.

But what if someone else does.

I don't want to fix anyone, because I simply can't.
It's not my job and I can't.

As Christians do we come off as judgmental for having our hearts break at the sight of people hurting? Or is this all some facade we have created in our minds of normal people that we have to help. Are they really hurting or are we making it up in our heads so that we can seem like good people?

I don't think we are.

When we pray, 'God show us your heart' or 'give us your heart' or 'give us your eyes', I think that's what compassion is when God answers that request. Sometimes people just don't want our sympathy though. No one wants to feel less than anyone else. No one wants to need help. No one wants to be a charity case. If a Christian helps you, you suddenly become one. So they can boast to their friends about what a good person they are. I think that's why Christ says to pray in secret. Do good things in secret, so that it's not about you. It's about the person you're helping. It's about Christ; not your image. He gives us a heart of serving and compassion and empathy for those around us. When we have the Holy Spirit inside of us that is when our hearts began ache and weep when we see homeless hobbling down the street, or when we see young girls in bars looking for love.

People look for love. That is human nature.

If the way you are looking is all you want, so be it. But I can promise there is love in other places.

2017.

This year has been an interesting one for me, but I have learned what I want to hold the highest value in my life.

This year I chose to be alone at the strike of midnight. Not because I wanted to be dramatic or because I was depressed or because I was pouting but because I wanted to.

We have all made mistakes. We have all made decisions that have hurt others or even ourselves. We have all been affected by others' decisions and been hurt by them. I'm not going to go on some sad sob story about this year being terrible, because frankly everyone has already been doing that all over the internet and this year wasn't that bad.

I lost my grandpa on Christmas Day this year. I lost some of my closest friends. I quit a job I really loved. I broke a heart. I lost 20 lbs. I made friends who value me. I found a job where I can make a difference and bring a smile to someone's day. My beautiful god son was born. I found a heart. I was blessed with a beautiful keyboard. We adopted my bestest furry friend. Good things happen. Bad things happen. But I never lost who I am, simply discovered more and more petals to my heart. Through it all, I know only one thing really matters.

So at 11:53 pm on December 31, 2016 I chose to sit in my boyfriend's apartment with the lights out and the cool breeze from the open window next to me float over me while I sang In Christ Alone over and over until I heard the pops of fireworks from beyond the balcony over the mountains.

In those moments I decided that I didn't want to be with anyone on New Year's except my Lord and Savior. I know I've screwed up this year and I know I have lost a lot this year. But in that moment I declared in my heart that I knew I would never lose my God.

"I was literally walking into this new year praising my king, and that is how I want the rest of my life to be. "

As I walked down the steps of my boyfriend's apartment complex into the new year and brisk air I could see smoke plumes and bright explosions rising over the houses and the city behind. I could hear shouting from every direction as I walked to my car in the abandoned parking lot singing "The God of angel armies is always by my side." I was literally walking into this new year praising my king, and that is how I want the rest of my life to be.

Some have considered me foolish when I share with them my beliefs. I believe the best in people. I can see why people act the way they do or how they have been hurt in the past. I have been called naive and stupid for always having hope in people. But if we don't have hope in each other then who will? Wouldn't you rather believe in something than nothing at all? I am not a naive little girl. I know bad things are going to happen. I know people will break my trust in them, and crush all hope I had in them, but everyone deserves to have someone believe in them and I will because that's what I would want others to do for me. I am full aware of the consequences of love and I will choose it over hate any day.

"I am full aware of the consequences of love and I will choose it over hate every day for the rest of my life. "

So as we go into 2017, I want to sound like a devotional article that you read on those feel good pages, don't change. I know new years are all about resolutions and making yourself better or feel better or look better. But don't. Remember who you are at the core. I know we often get in these phases where we want to be the best we can be, but does this desire really benefit you or simply make you anxious to be something you are not. Does it really just start a drive in you that is constantly nagging at your heart never letting you feel satisfied with who you are? I know who I am. Yes there are little things that I can change like being more patient or forgiving or kind, but I am never going to relinquish my morals all in an attempt to fit the title of better.  This year it is my goal to remind myself daily that I, Bethany Harrington, am good enough; that it is okay to be who you are at the core. Don't ever be ashamed of it.