I am a better person than my parents.

I am a better person than my parents.

Now before you get all riled up, hear me out.

I am a better person for today's society. This is my generation. This is where I grew up. My parents grew up in. The in between stages of the century. Right after the 50's and 60's where there were riots but during the 70's and 80's where to most teens not much was happening. They faced different types of struggles than I did and just led a different life. They had parents from a different era who had grown up in the depression.

I am a better person in the eyes of today's society. As I said, I have grown up in this society so I have learned what matters to the people around me. People currently have different values than those before us, and it's hard when something is so etched into your identity to be open to the new values of the world. I understand. That's why there is always this reoccurring rift between generations, we each grow up with a different set of values engraved us and they don't line up. We fight because we think we're defending who we are.

I am a different person that my parents. And that's because I'm choosing to be. Yes there are characteristics from my parents that I strive to obtain but they're are also their fears and mistakes which I wish not to make. 

So let me tell you who I want to be. I want to be fearless. I want to be open minded. I want to be caring and understanding. I want to be humble. I want to be honest and open hearted. I never want to be afraid of people or places because I know I have no reason to fear. I have my Jesus, which neither of my parents had as teens. I have faith in things that they sometimes doubt and that's okay, because they're opinions don't really matter in the long run of things in my faith. I want to be talented and helpful and a leader. I want to be tender yet distinct and sharp. I want to be smart and wise. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to have confidence in my decisions and confidence in myself. I want to be an advocate for justice and love and people. I want to be like my father and help the homeless even when I'm running late to work. I don't want to worry about things like my mother does, I want to have no fear.

And shouldn't you want your child to be better than you? I know I do. I want my future child to be the best human being ever. I want them to be he kindest, bravest, most genuine hardworking person to ever walk this earth; to try their darnedest to make this world better.

So yes I am a different person than my parents that's okay.

To my other half

It's weird to say that. It's weird to say that you are my other half even though we are not together. But it's true. We are complete opposites which is what makes us click so well and yet clash so well, a beautiful chaos. You're a hidden victory fighter while I'm an exposed fighter against society. You believe it is braver to fight things on your own without help while I believe it is braver to fight your battles in front of others in front of their scrutiny. I have learned there is beauty and courage and flaws to both forms of courage. 

You make me laugh; that is the biggest thing I've noticed. I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with you. I literally feel my smile growing across my face and I feel the warmth seeping through my core, and the burn of the vodka wasn't the cause this time. However you also care about me as much as you try to pretend you don't. You let me sleep on your couch and steal your hoodie which I am positive you know I took. Your voice changes when you're worried about me, which is something I'd never heard before. It's almost as if the words rolling off your tongue are replacing the tears that you're trying not to roll down your face.

You miss me and I know it. And I have no doubt in hell you know I miss you too. Then why the hell have we not done anything about it? When we sit across the table from each other we smile wider than I've ever seen.

I've grown up and that scares you. I'm no longer the innocent 17 year old girl you used to know. I understand more. My mind is less innocent and that leaves you shocked. I like tattoos. I cuss. I drink, a lot. I've smoked. I'm not as pretty as I once was. It all disturbs you because you never thought I would change, because you thought I was perfect. What if all this time you've been striving to become perfect to be like me while I've been breaking in the distance dealing with the pain you left me and trying to be less perfect so you would desire me once more. Ironic how while striving to match my perfection you broke mine and the standard is no longer so high because you shattered it.

I haven't done anything because I want you to be happy. And you don't look happy these days but you seem content and if that's what you want I won't change it. I am so extremely proud of you and I wish you knew that. You have a great job teaching kids, you're going to school to be an EMT, you have an extremely successful girlfriend with a masters degree, you have your own apartment, you've learned how to cook, and you have goals. You see a point to your life again and that's all I ever wanted for you. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be able to love and live again when the world had knocked the wind out of you. I wanted the wind to fill you up agin so you could fly again. 

The memories I have haunt me all the time, and that was one thing you always hated. I remembered everything. I remembered the people from my past, those who've hurt me and abandon me. And maybe you're the cause, I don't know. But I don't remember anymore. I remember us. But anything before that I've blocked. It's frustrating. I didn't do it on purpose. I try and I try and I scrape my brain for memories people tell me about but they're no longer there. I remember reasons for things but never the causes. I can never explain to people why something is right, it's just that i know, or used to know I guess is the case. But yet every memory of you has replaced those memories as much as I wish they hadn't sometimes. I remember us stargazing through my Subaru sunroof because it was too cold to go outside. Or us having a snowball fight after school at PPCC and you laughing while you told me people were judging us. Or when you followed me around at the Skateathon and everyone were convinced we were a couple and we'd just laugh at everyone. I remember how excited you would get when you would find new photo op spots and you wanted nothing else but to tell me and for me to be just as excited as you. Or when I told you how embarrassed I was about my cheeks always being pink and you told me pink happens and you didn't care. Or when I drove donuts in that one church parking lot and you pulled the emergency brake just because you thought it'd be funny and I punched you for the next hour. Or after we stopped talking and I was at Sarah's house and you saw me all dressed up for girls night and I told you not to say anything because I thought you were judging me and you told me you thought I actually looked amazing which is why you didn't say anything. 

I remember it all. The end was the worst. And yet it's still not over. We look at each other and want to be near each other because I think we both want to be happy again. But the universe is taunting us and has this thin film between us where we can see and hear each other but never be together again. I want to break through that film but only if you do too. 

To my worst enemy

You tried to hurt me. You tried to break me. You tried to manipulate me. You hurt my friends. You ruined their careers. You tried to fight me.

Lesson 1: Do not fight me. I can burn you. I won't because Christ doesn't want me to, but believe me he is the only reason I'm not.

How could your self esteem be so low that as a grown woman you tear apart teenagers? You are the only representation of Christ those kids may ever know and you make them despise you?

You stole my ideas and took credit for them. You let people praise you in front of me for things you know I had contemplated for weeks trying to summon the courage to even suggest them, because every time you would steal them and steal my confidence with them.

I see you as despicable.

I know your life is hard. You had your dream job and had to quit for some reason, or they fired you which would explain the hurt in your heart. It takes me a long while before I truly loathe someone, so how quickly has everyone else turned to hatred towards you? You must need the most love if I hate you this much.

I forgive you.

To the girls who look up to me

Thank you.

You are the reason I try to be a better person. You are the reason I'm trying to stop cussing and why I gave up alcohol and smoking. You are the reason I get out of bed when it feels like the amount of sorrow on my chest crashed on me overnight like an avalanche.

You bring so much joy to my life. You remind me that pure innocent fun still exists. You remind me of the person I am while I encourage you in your lives.

You show me how to love in the fiercest and deepest forms.

The date.

Today I went on a date.

Now it wasn't just any regular date, this was a first date; my first date. 

I've never gone on a date before and never had a real boyfriend before; mostly because no one has ever asked me out before. For years I have tried to figure out why, but more on that later.

Okay it's later. Well I still don't know for sure why, and I probably won't ever. My suspicions, however, is that God simply didn't want me to.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying God is against dating, not at all. I'm simply saying in my case, He just didn't want me to. I tend to obsess over things and overthink them, as most of us ladies do. But over the past few months I've been growing up. I've been letting go of things and not worrying anymore. Before I was very passive aggressive but now I'm just passive, with aggressive tendencies ;) but seriously I've learned to let go of a lot of anger and just chill. If something happens, it just happens.

When I went on my date, I wasn't worried at all about if the guy liked me, which to be honest is a little weird. I was more worried about my appearance before hand. I think I convinced myself that if he didn't like me, that wasn't my fault and I think that's how our mindset should be in situations like that.

The biggest thing I learned from this date, was that God loved me. 

Okay I know what you're thinking, umm Bethany, I think you missed the point of a date there champ... 

But I don't think I did at all. The point of a godly relationship is to bring you closer to God, point blank. We can say dating has other purposes, but that's what it's supposed to be no matter how we try to kid ourselves. As I was getting ready and trying on different shoes, I felt special. I felt important. And I felt loved. God had blessed with an opportunity of a date, even when I did it against him out of self and longing for love. I think he allowed me to go to reassure me that he had the love I was looking for. I felt like a princess and I felt taken care of, by God not necessarily my date. 

The point of all this, is God really does want to lavish on you whether you follow his plan or not. I haven't been the best Christian over the past few months but now I'm trying again. I'm making a conscience effort to please my king, not out of an obligation for his love but to show him I love him, as a gift. 

To my employer

 

Umm yeah I'm quitting and I'm terrified. 

Long story short you asked me to commit to the store for months to come. You asked me to pledge my unwavering faith to you. To hold and respect and defend you until the end. I'm realizing that I can't do that.

Mostly because you would never do the same for me, you've already proved that.

If your management team thinks it's okay to slander my name to you and you believe them over me, you already don't trust me without me doing anything? You have a firm head on your shoulders that won't let anything into it. You wouldn't believe me even if I tried. 

You are very smart. You know how to run a business and run people apparently. I like to think the best of people so I never realized what you were doing. But you are manipulating me. You have manipulated my influence, my friends, my feelings and even my personality to get what you want. Using my rebellious personality to get me to help you is not okay. 

I never realized how influential I am. I asked your number two how important I am as an honest question which I received and honest opinion. I am a leader and leaders need to be careful of what they say, I only thought that was because of a leader isn't happy the team isn't happy. I never realized that you're actually terrified of me starting a revolution. 

I am the Katniss Everdeen of this place and I never even realized. If I quit it won't make people leave necessarily but it will plant the most dangerous thing, an idea. An idea of doubt and that's the cancer you were talking about; not my words like you thought but my actions. You are so reliant of me and as soon as I think about leaving I'm the unloyal one? If you need me so bad, don't tell me I can leave.